Oh my, where to start?

Good news, no sign of PML infection in the last MRI. Still waiting on more bloodwork results.

Neurologist prescribed Ampyra to assist with gait and balance. May begin relapse prevention with Aubagio after review of next blood panel.

I didn’t realize how much I distracted my over active mind with work. It was my purpose; the fuel for my ambition and determination, learning and leading.

This new chapter of my life brings such an incredible epiphany about how I have been living and all I’ve been living for. There is so much more to life than a career. And so much more to live for…

I have no significant other and no children. A stark contrast to my various acquaintances. I’ve never been fond of children or approving of ‘everyone’s’ desire/need/choice to procreate. But now I see…they are so fully blessed by the sheer existence and miracle of those babies and family.

I currently live in a big city, with a family first/small town social dynamic. Yet my particular upbringing did not mirror the culture that surrounded me. It was simple ignorance lol Mostly the reason we judge. While I may still rally for entitlement reform, I will still respect and love every person I meet, given the opportunity.

I will not ramble on with euphemisms and overly optimistic, positive sayings. Simply be kind to one another. I have personally experienced tremendous emotional relief and happiness with this shift in mindset.

So I will still work, part-time. And with my precious and limited time left, I will use my energy to:

Build meaningful and rewarding social relationships.

I will get to know my parents and siblings. As people. Hear their stories.

Volunteer when I can and give back or make a change. Be it with time or a    donation.

Resume hobbies I have abandoned for too long. Learn something new.

I know I will still have bad days and moments…but I will be thankful every day for all my blessings, big and small.

Being Alone is not all that bad

Making progress and learning to live alone. It’s not as bad as I had once believed. I have reached another point in my life where things are changing and shifting. I must be open to the changes and adjust, evolve. This is a time where I believe I am changing in to someone different than who I once was and may never go back. A positive transition filled with possibilities.

I will embrace this opportunity for emotional growth and remain Hopeful.  😉


1st Post


“Hope” is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all …
-Emily Dickinson

Hope.  A short four letter word filled with potential and promise.  Yet I struggle every day to feel and possess that optimistic emotion so elusive to me…

I fight the demons that so many of us fight:  The moment-to-moment battle that occurs in your mind against depression, despair, and loneliness. Our desire to belong, to be accepted, and most of all, loved.

I educate myself on the illness and I take the medication that’s prescribed. I try to practice mindfulness and meditate to reach that inner peace. I read about the horrors others have suffered in an attempt to sympathize or rationalize…

But it’s all relative. Perspective is out of reach…

What I find most confounding is the ease of living with my physical ailment.

The disease: Multiple Sclerosis, debilitating to so many. Last week I received notice:

Congratulations, you’ve just reached secondary progressive stage! Bonus prize is PML! A brain infection caused by the years of immune suppressant drugs! I can deal with all of this, with a smile and a laugh even. A cane, a walker, or wheelchair…no problem. To this point I have continued to work full time and be as active as my physical disability will let me be.

But this mental illness, this deep dark pit of emptiness in my soul…

I cannot fight my emotions so easily.  And I cannot fight these demons Alone.  But I am: